Another semi-emo post FTW!

Above is my darling daughter and best friend Lailanni Carver. Yesterday was her goodbye party and I almost stabbed everyone there because almost all of them were in black and acting like she’s never coming back. Well, she is coming back and won’t be  gone TOO long, though I’m going to miss her SO much. She’s always there for me to bitch at and she always makes me feel better. She’s been acting a lot like my mom lately telling me to get sleep and stuff. I love her to pieces and it won’t be the same without her around even though I know it’s only a couple weeks.

Update on mom too. She has her memory back finally but she’s still not all there. She probably won’t ever be back to normal from the brain damage, but it’s nice that she finally remembers us. One step at a time… we’ll see what happens, but it is a relief that she’s starting to come back!

This weekend has been okay. Eating dinner soon… and my sister made me a birthday cake! Chocolate with lemon frosting <33333 All packed up too so I can get back to school ASAP.  Genetics review tonight 7-9pmEST… will be interesting to say the least.

See you all in a few hours <333

I have been wanting to listen to this song all day.. but kept myself from doing it.. listening to it now.. probably not the best idea but tough shit. I listened to this song on repeat when I thought mom passed last October, probably will listen to it on repeat for the next few days. It reminds me of her so much it’s not even funny. I know she’s not dead, but she is dieing. She still is very very sick, and maybe that 2 months they gave her before the operation is extended to say 4 months? Then you take into account if radiation treatment helps… and factor in the fact she’s really stressed that she can’t remember anything.. I don’t know. She’s dieing faster than the rest of us. I know that. I’m trying to come to terms with it. This helps me for some reason. I will be with her till the end.. and will still tell everyone about her. She really is my hero.

This song has SO much meaning, SO much love, SO much emotion in it it’s hard not to think of someone you lost when you hear it, or even someone you are scared of losing. It really puts things in perspective for me. It’s just plain beautiful.

Here are the lyrics. And can hear it on YouTube here. Death Cab for Cutie “What Sarah Said”

And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I’ve already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lift their heads
But I’m thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who’s gonna watch you die? So who’s gonna watch you die

When I start thinking things were looking up…. it crashes back down. My poor mom, she doesn’t deserve this.

I log on Yahoo today and was doing some other stuff… then IM mom, say “Hi mom how are you feeling?” and she responds with “hello”

First thought is, omg what happened, where’s my mom.

Then she asks me who I am…

I fall apart when I realize that oh shit this is my mom. Her memory is gone. I got her to talk to me. I posted the letter on the blog so she could read it… she wanted to. She doesn’t remember me or anyone else in Second Life. All she can remember is her mom and dad, kids, and siblings… and she has no memories of them… just knows who they are.

So I cried for a few hours.. went to ETD and wandered around.. got the “Survive” hair which is for Relay For Life and all proceeds are donated to RFL. So I’m all caught up in this and want to do a mini photoshoot of myself and go to Last Call and get a new outfit that matches the hair (it was one I wanted but had other stuff that kinda had the same feel to it- but when I got this hair I immediately thought of this outfit so had to get it). I logged off and got in windlight.

Then her brother IMs me back.

It turns out that she went into a coma a few nights ago due to the tumor and had swelling in her brain.

I asked him if they thought her memory would come back and they think so… they’re working with her on it.

She had brain damage too. She’s basically stuck in a 16 year olds head. We’re going to have to talk slower to her, maybe explain things in more detail than you normally would, and just give her time and patience.

She’s not my mom anymore. And I don’t mean literally not my mom- I haven’t abandoned her or anything (I couldn’t do that if I tried)- I just mean the person, the soul I’ve known for almost 10 months now is gone. She’s not there.

I’m devastated to say the least.

I’m going to get a ton of pictures up on a page in my blog for her to look at soon. Probably over the weekend. I am now regretting that I deleted all those pictures off my computer from Colleen’s wedding etc. I’ll probably try contacting some of her friends to get pictures, including Colleen, and those who know me knows that she’s on my mute list, but I need to do this for mom. She needs us and we need her. I need her.

I’m just devastated and still crying on and off. I got my pictures taken and threw some up on flickr, and added my fav to the top of the site.

Everyone out there. Go hug the ones you love. Do it now. Tell them you love them SO much, that you don’t know what you would do without them. Do it to your real life friends and your second life friends. Do it because you don’t know that when you wake up tomorrow those people will still be there.

To all my friends: I love you, so much. Some people don’t like saying those words for the implications of deeper feelings but going through all this I really don’t give a shit about that anymore. I love you all, I cherish  you all, and I am SO sorry for anything that I have ever said or done to hurt you. I wish you all were here with me right now so I could give each and every one of you a big hug. I don’t know what I’d do without any of you, you all are so important to me in so many different ways. I know that we all don’t say it often, or at all in some cases, but I’m saying it now. Thank you for all of your continuous support and love. You all are amazing.

Mom,

I don’t even know how to begin this, sitting here crying because I know this very well could be the last time to get out everything and I just don’t want to because I’m not ready, but tough shit I’m trying to do it anywas.

First of all I love you so much it’s rediculous. You mean more to me than anyone else I know, you feel more to me like a mom than my own real one. You’ve always been there for me when I’ve been at my worst times, and have supported me through everything. You’ve been my rock. My gaurdian angel. The one I can run to with anything and just attach to your leg and know it’ll be okay. You’ve helped me though all of my problems so far in real life, and all of those stupid ass relationships and all the drama in SL and stuck with me through all of it when most wouldn’t. You’ve been my biggest comfort, my biggest blanket, my shelter. I can talk to you like an adult and then go on Annie and act like a 5 year old and get just as much love and attention.

I lost you once. It sucked. It was hell. I thought a piece of me died. After you got back we’ve only got closer and our bond is stronger so I know if anything happens it’s just going to suck that much more. I know we’ve pushed our luck keeping you around, and I’ve always known that this may very well happen due to everything, but it doesn’t mean that it’s any easier and doesn’t mean I’m any more ready for it. I need you so much and I feel so selfish saying that you’re not going anywhere even though it really isn’t my choice, but I can’t help it it’s true. Even though sometimes we don’t talk to each other for a few days, we are always there for each other, no matter how long it’s been we can still go back and be fine and laugh and cry together. I don’t know what I’ll do when this is gone.

I also want to say sorry for any drama or any hurt I’ve caused you, whether it be directly or indirectly. I’m human, you’re human. I’m sorry for threatening to ever leave- you know I really couldn’t, I  love you too much and you mean too much to me. At times there was so much drama after you came back and I coudln’t handle it because I had my own on top of it, but know that I loved you so much through all of it and that could never ever change.

There are some people that you meet that just impact your life in the most profound ways. You were one of those people to me. Despite everything that was going on with your health you still came online and was a strong confident woman, like nothing could ever bring you down. This has inspired me so much through everything that’s going on with me. It helps me pull through and see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are probably the most amazing person I have ever met and I will never be able to thank anyone enough for sending you to me. I met you because I just wanted someone to look after my 5 year old avie and it turned into someone that has looked over me through everything.

You really do mean the world to me and I am just so thankful for the times we have had. I wish I could have spent even more time with you, talked to you more, played games with you, stuck at your hip as Annie, but that doesn’t matter anymore- I just need to be thankful for the times I have had with you.

I’m sorry for not being able to talk to you since last night. I’ve just been devastated and crying and not even being able to talk to anyone. I wish I could have just stuck by your hip the whole time but I was in denial.

I hope the angels watch over you tomorrow and I really hope you get this. I love you so much mom and I always will. You will always have a special place in my heart that nobody will every be able to take. I’ll be praying that you will be online in the next few days- but if you aren’t, know that I will always keep you with me, that I will always remember you, that I will always tell any more children that I do adopt that they had this amazing nana that I wish they could have met.

I love you mom so much. May the angels and God watch over you now.

Love Always and Forever,
Your Daughter,
Alexa

Sorry emo post.

I’m uber overwhelmed right now, as could probably be seen in last post. Feel like crap today, sooo tired, although doesn’t help I was up till 2:30am last night (but hey I was with Codie so it’s all good xD). Gym didn’t help any either but meh.

I think I may take a mini SL/puter break this weekend while I’m at home that may very well stretch into next week. I’ll be on for Vie’s shows (hopefully, if RL doesn’t get in the way) and then Lai’s party on Saturday… but other than that I probably won’t be around.

No, I’m not leaving for good. I just need a mini break to clear my head. Between stuff with mom, Jo, and Lai pushing her move up (plus RL) my head just hurts.

Okay, need to go start RL homework so I’m not up till all hours of the night again. I need to get laundry done tonight too. Not amused that it’s supposed to snow tomorrow… drive home is going to SUCK!

Bye for now!

*sighs* Things are insane and just getting worse. I’m so stressed out with so many things it’s hard to keep track. I don’t even know where to begin…

Mom is doing better, though I haven’t seen her online today. As of last night she was still in a lot of pain but that is to be expected with her surgery. I forgot to mention in my last post but her paralysis reversed :O When she was in her accident a few weeks ago she was paralyzed from the waist down… after they removed that bit of her tumor she got feeling back! Apparently it’s all the tumors fault- was blocking nerves and signals etc. She starts radiation in a few days to treat the rest of it. I’m just so happy and thankful she’s still with us at all. She really means so much to me it’s not even funny. Anyone tries coming between me and her and they will be set on fire and orbited. End of story.

Next up, Amira is missing She hasn’t been online since the 18th. I am missing her like crazy (as is Ally and everyone else). I left her an offline but no reply. I’m hoping it’s just her puter that died and nothing happened to her. Guess we’ll just have to wait and find out :\

Lai is leaving next Wednesday She wasn’t supposed to leave till May but she has pushed it up for RL reasons that I won’t talk about because it’s not my place. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. She’s one of those unlucky people I rant and rant and rant to. Unfortunately for the rest of the people I do that to, they’ll be getting more of it to make up for Lai going away for a bit. I hope her sister has a puter for her like she says.

Jo and I are also having issues… or rather… I’m having issues. I won’t talk about that though just state it because I’m on the topic of stressors.

Danni isn’t feeling well lately either. I really hope she feels better soon.

Oh and WTF LINDEN LABS?! This stupid infringement shit is soooo dumb. It’s getting all hyped up etc etc. Going to have to get the plugin that Codebastard mentioned in her post, although they most likely won’t go after blogs just because there are so damn many. Better to be safe than sorry though. I think it’s all a bunch of bull and they need to pull the stick out of their asses. That’s just me though.

Had building class tonight too. Not going to go in detail about that because this post will double in length. Let’s just say people need to learn how to read history.

Next Wednesday (the 2nd of April) is my RL birthday :\ with everything going on I’m really not in the mood for a birthday. I think I’m going home this weekend though since I can’t next weekend due to having to do shit in the morning at school next Sunday. Lai is leaving on the 2nd too (as stated above)… not a birthday present I wanted, but I guess that’s just how things are going with me lately.

I have sooo many tests coming up. One Friday and two next Tuesday, although I think one test is going to be pushed to Thursday only because half of my physics class has either genetics/anatomy tests that day as well. I love how professors happen to schedule their tests on the same days. *stabstab*

Had a headache today. That just plain sucks. (TMI moment) Also getting my period like tomorrow and I’m REALLY not looking forward to that. That’s probably why I have the headache. Grrr.

I have to do laundry tomorrow. I haven’t done it in so long. Luckily I get out of class tomorrow at 1pm so I’ll do it then.

On a brighter note (holy shit there is one?!) I started going to the gym yesterday finally. For those that don’t know and/or haven’t read my previous blogs I was just diagnosed with arthritis and fibromyalgia (on top of my chronic migraines) and my treatment is like 15 minutes of aerobic exercise 6 days a week and more sleep (I haven’t been sleeping- they put me on melatonin). Yesterday I got in my 15 minutes on the elliptical (squee! I love those things) and today I was pissed off when I went so I did a full 30 minutes. I felt so great after. I forgot how much I do like working up a sweat Of course a nice shower came after but the work out made my headache go away! It came back after more stress smacked me in the face, but it did go away for awhile! Did I mention I’m only 19? Well, I am… at least until next Wednesday… I’m turning 20 then.

I also got Ally tiny empires today. We’re trying to get her high enough to go under Lai, but she had to log off for the night before we got there. Oh well, we’ll get it tomorrow.

Ooooooooh Cylindrian Rutabaga will also be up in Massachusetts at the end of April. ZOMG! I’m so excited. She’s playing in the next town over from my home town in MA. I’m going to have to go down that weekend to see her. I am SO excited! That was probably the highlight of my day today!

Okay, I think that’s all I wanted to bitch about. *thinks* yeah that’s it. Brain is slowly dieing.

Big hugs and kisses for all my friends to let me bitch at them non-stop about things. I love you allllll <33333333333

I really hope things let up soon. This stress is going to seriously kill me one of these days.

Leaving you with some lyrics… The All-American Rejects “11:11 PM (CST)” I think they’re appropriate.

All the windows,
Swear to miss you,
And the doors are cell block tight,
Sweet sedation,
Sweep the issues,
And the clocks about to strike
Did it call you down,
Are you back just yet,
Waiting now please come set me free,
And the only sound is a minute left.

This could be, this could be the last time

It’s a chance to fix mistakes,
One more for the last time,
Don’t you throw our dreams away,
Don’t waste this chance with your smile
10 seconds left on this dial,
This could be the last time.

Along the staircase,
I dream to hear you,
In a whisper quiet room,
Space for thinking,
Space to scream to,
But the echoes sound like you,
Not the stars at night,
In a pitch black sky,
I don’t know just wants to see you
But the time is right and it only flies.

This could be, this could be the last time

It’s a chance to fix mistakes,
One more for the last time,
Don’t you throw our dreams away,
Don’t waste this chance with your smile
10 seconds left on this dial,
This could be the last time.

It’s only us,
It’s only now,
A simple wish,
It’s only tonight.

Oh hai!

I sorry for abandoning you guys… it’s just been absolutely insane this past week in both RL and SL… So let’s see… where to begin!

Well, building classes went great Monday and Wednesday, didn’t have class on Friday and none today. Friday was due to RL and today… well today I was just in mental breakdown mode… but we’ll get back to that.

Vie’s shows have also started back up, which has been keeping me very busy! I still need to get in touch with a few dancers who just haven’t gotten back to me and may put the classified back up to search for more. We played at some new venues, and some old ones. I still have to say that Cuddler’s Cove is my favorite, and Rum Runners… well I just want to shoot myself every time I go there from all the gesture spam. I actually muted some of the staff there on Sunday because I couldn’t take it. I had sounds off but they were using really spammy chat gestures and was in a bad mood on top of that so just hit *mute*

School is going okay. Nothing really last week that was all that exciting but I have a test in every class within 2 weeks. History test today (which went fairly well), development test Friday, and both genetics and physics tests next Tuesday. YAY April Fool’s Day tests. They better be frigging easy.

I was so dead this week. I started the melatonin back up because rheumatologist wants me to and it’s completely screwing with my system. If I take it too early I wake up at 5:30am… if I take it too late I sleep through my alarm. It’s insane. I’m hoping my body just gets used to sleeping, like that deep sleep, which is why I think I was waking up. It’s not used to that kind of rest.

My bestest RL friend Sabrina came up on Friday <3 She got here before my lab so hung out in my room while I was there.. she apparently watched Wicker Park since she had never seen it. Once I got out we chatted for a bit and then went to Pizza Hut (<3) then saw 10,000 B.C. OMG that movie was fking amazing. I order everyone to go see it! Some of her friends said it sucked but I’m guessing when they went to see it they thought it was going to be fighting the entire time and it wasn’t. It was awesome. The graphics were GREAT (like if you looked at the mammoths really quick you’d think they were real, cinematography was beautiful, I laughed, I almost cried, I jumped 10 feet in the air, and got revved up when there were fighting scenes. The story line was amazing, and I loved how they did it all oral tradition narration like. Okay, going to shut up about it now so I don’t ruin it. Just go see it, it was fab <3

Saturday things fell apart. I was so overtired and feeling sick that I almost lost it. Luckily Mordi came to the rescue! I im’d him about 9:30pmEST to rant and say hi since he hadn’t been on in awhile. When he figured out I was wicked upset he came to the show at 10pm then we hung out after. We came back to my house and just sat on the hammock forever…

About 10pmSLT is when I got the really bad news. My SL mom Kylie im’d me saying that we needed to talk. She told me she couldn’t make the wedding and I asked why. She went quiet and just said she didn’t know how to tell me so I knew something big was up. She told me that the doctors found a tumor on her brain stem and was going into surgery on Monday and there was a very big chance she may not come out. I just about lost it, and it stayed lost for the rest of the weekend. Couldn’t stop crying, didn’t know how to tell Danni and Ally, never mind Jo. I already lost her once, or thought I did at least, and really could not handle the fact that I very well might lose her for real. I could barely talk to her the rest of the weekend.

Luckily Mordi was still at the house with me when I found out and he stayed up with me until 11amEST. I slept from 11am till about 3:45pm when my body woke up and wouldn’t sleep anymore. I got a decent nights sleep last night since I was unbelievably exhausted.

Today rolled around and mom had her surgery. She’s up and online, though dozing in and out since the anesthesia hasn’t completely worn off. They removed 20% of the tumor and the rest they are going to treat with radiation therapy. I let out a big sigh of relief when I got the news because I was just freaking out that I may never see her again.

Sunday sucked. I had a show for Vie at Rum Runners (see bitching above) and my SL ex from almost 2 years ago had the nerve to IM me and ask how I was doing. I muted the asshole. He’s the one I dated where I thought he was a girl (Sally) and it turned out he was a guy… and 90% of the avatars that lived with or around us were him to.

I also went on a shopping spree at Last Call and spent another 900Ls there. I now have 50 outfits from Last Call… another 21 from Dazzle… making it a total of 71 outfits by Ginny Talamasca. I swear I’m not obsessed…

Last night I wrote her a long letter. I cried my eyes out and couldn’t see the screen half the time but got everything out that I needed to. Luckily Mordi got on yahoo not long after I wrote it and calmed me back down enough so I could sleep. I wasn’t going to post the letter but it very well may be here in a day or two in it’s own entry.

We bought a new house and have finished decorating the house and such. It looks fab <3 Everyone should come over to see it! I’ll take some pics of it soon and post them.  I love Ace’s Spaces/Park Life houses!

Because of everything going on, the wedding is being postponed. I’m not ready for it emotionally and have more important things to worry about right now. I’ll be sending the notecard out telling everyone hopefully tomorrow. Thanks everyone for your support I really do love and cherish you all and so thankful that there are so many I can count on to brighten my day. I do not know what I would do if I didn’t have such a strong support system.

Time for me to go though. I think this post is long enough. I’ll talk to you all soon

ZOMG! It has been one hectic day in both RL and SL! HAPPY ST. PATTY’S DAY!

First day back at school after vacation and it’s just been a whirlwind!

Woke up at 5:30amEST (stoobid melatonin pills) but stayed in bed till I had to get up (8:30amEST). Got ready, blah blah blah, had class from 10-10:50… got an A on the project I did when I interviewed Lai and Kylie and a 94 on the test I had to take before vaca… so that put me in a good mood.

After that went on SL for a bit and dealt with HKE student council stuff. Put the nomination box out! For any kids from HKE reading this (I doubt there are any but just in case) please read the HKE student council student government blog for more details. Nominations will continue through Friday.

Boring history class from hell from 12:30-1:50pm. Got a B- on the paper I bullshitted last week. YAY!

First building classes were also today! They went really well even though some kids didn’t show. It’s okay though was only a very basic building window and prim manipulation class. I’m so excited the kids seemed to love it! It will get more interesting once we move onto projects though!

Vienna is also back in action! She had her first show today in like two weeks! It was awesome though I forgot a few of my dances. Was sooooooooo nice to be back on stage! I missed it so much!

Had a paper due tonight too for Genetics that was due at midnight, got it in about 11:30 though! I’m proud of myself! Was only a 500 word essay on the company 23andMe. Was really interesting to read about and makes me want to switch to genetics that much more. I know, I’m a geek, no need to tell me I’ve already admitted it!

I think that’s all that has happened today. I’m exhausted. Worn out. I can’t wait to possibly take a nap tomorrow before lab! Time for me to relax with my Danni princess for a bit then pass out.

Baiiiiiiiii!

Oh hai! New layout! W00t! I was getting sick of the old one and I think this one is prettyful <3 plus I like that it has two side columns.. makes things look a bit neater!

Yesterday was Ally’s birthday so we all spoiled her. I got her this cute little shoulder kitten and then an outfit from babydolls, Danni got her a skydiving pod, and Amira got her a 500L gift certificate to babydolls (it’s her fav store). Her and I also went to Make a Wish adoption agency for movie night! It was so cute… set up like a drive in, complete with popcorn and cars! They played The Corpse Bride <33333 one of my favs. I’m a Tim Burton freak… what can I say I’m messed up xD

After all that I did some more wedding stuff. Ally wants to now be in the wedding, which means Amira will be too, so we’ll have 3 flower girls. Although Ally set me off last night because she ‘doesn’t like’ the dress I picked out so I told her she could wear the pink dress she already has, which I think is going to clash horribly with the rest of the wedding party, but I didn’t feel like dealing with a temper tantrum. I may be evil mom and buy it for them anyways and say ‘tough shit’. I haven’t decided yet.

Building class starts tomorrow :O That’ll be interesting….. We’ll see how it goes and how unruly the kids are.

Didn’t do much in SL today, I only just got in not that long ago because my fam celebrated Easter in real life today so Anya and I don’t have to drive home next weekend, then I packed my stuff up and left. Back in Maine. There’s still snow up here. I’m not amused.

My RL best friend Sabrina is coming up this Friday and staying overnight <3 so I’ll be MIA while she’s here. Don’t worry, I’ll be back

Anyways, going to get back to Jo and try not to eat all my easter candy so I don’t puke from sugar overdose.

TTYL!

A BIG happy birthday to my princess Ally It’s her birthday in real life! I hope it’s a good one princess! Mommie loves you!